
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13432821.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Relationship:
      Dean_Winchester/John_Winchester, Dean_Winchester_&_Sam_Winchester
  Character:
      John_Winchester, Dean_Winchester, Sam_Winchester, Bobby_Singer
  Additional Tags:
      Past_Sexual_Abuse, Past_Child_Abuse, Child_Abuse, Rape/Non-con_Elements,
      Sexual_Slur, Hurt_Dean, Broken_Dean, Crying_Dean, talk, talk_about_rape,
      Talk_about_consent, Past_Rape/Non-con, Sad, Supportive_Bobby_Singer,
      Supportive_Sam_Winchester, suicidal_thought, No_victim_bashing, Self-
      Harm, but_no_cutting, Pedophilia, Nudity, brotherhood_bond, Beating,
      tender_moment
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-01-21 Words: 5765
****** Destructive Hands, Burning Skin ******
by Jackb
Summary
     John Winchester is dead, Dean react, but not in the way Sam and Bobby
     ever expected he could react. It made them wish John died sooner.
     Sam and Dean are something only if you want it to be
     It's not a happy ending but it's not a bad ending either.
     I'm going to had Bonus later that are not linked directly to the
     story.
Notes
     Warning : Past child abuse : Past Rape/Non-con ; Graphique
     description of rape ; RAPE ; Violence
     It's Dark, watch the tags before you read it. If you think I should
     add some tags tell me I will add them immediately.
     Also Please agknowledge that english is not my first language, please
     be tolerant, I'm still learning, it's not an excuse, just an
     explanation.
     Hope you enjoy !
See the end of the work for more notes
John Winchester is dead ! It's not an easy time so Sam and Dean had retreated
to Bobby place so they can take a breath to deal with it. Dean, of course, took
the new pretty bad, his behavior had changed, he doesn't talk, he barely said a
word since they knew. He doesn't answer questions and prefers use his hands to
show something, like food or bathroom, instead of just talking, like 'I go
there' 'let's take that to eat'... Sam doesn't like that and Bobby get no more
from him either.
« Dad is dead. » Says Sam after he took a sip of his beer, both of the three
men are around the table, drinking in this sunny afternoon. Of course they know
he's dead, but repeat it make it more and more real, like 'oh yes, he's dead'.
Dean is taken of an hysterical laugh. A sharp, loud noise that doesn't fit in
the situation. That doesn't really fit to the big brother either, nor to his
actual behavior the past days. He is breaking, they think. The laugh becomes a
repetitive 'hehehe'.
« You know what, he's dead ! » He says happy in an exclamation.
« Dean. » Sam frown as his brother get up and tap the table.
« Big news ! Dad is dead ! » He continues to laugh. « God he's dead. This
asshole is dead ! » He breaks his beer on the floor with as much rage as he
can.
Without listening to what Sam and Bobby might say or looking their stunned
face, he got out, still laughing, and it becomes uncomfortable to hear. They
both share a wondering look.
« What the hell ? » Snaps Sam.
« He's breaking. »
They hear a big sound coming from outside, by the windows they can see Dean had
taken a metal bar and is trying to destroy even more an already destroyed car.
He shouts and it's not unusual, it's actually far more coherent to see him act
like that. But what is unusual, though, is what he says.
They go outside, not sure to have heard correctly. Dean is letting everything
go out on the car.
« I'm not your fucking slut anymore ! You're dead ! »
Sam and Bobby watch each other, frowning.
« I've won ! You never touched Sammy you son of a bitch. » He broke what rest
of the windshield. « You're dead without putting your dirty hands on my little
brother ! »
They're not sure what Dean means by that, they just watch for more. Trying to
stop Dean right now would, anyway, lead to nothing and not be particularly easy
considering how angry he is.
« I'm not your toy anymore ! » He screams.
Sam know that their father never been a really good one, very controlling,
expecting a lot of them and forcing them to be how he wanted them to be. He,
most of the time, wasn't a father, but a military general. But he didn't know
that Dean thought their father was thinking of him as a toy. It's not the kind
of words he thought he would hear from him. His brother continues to shout with
'You're dead' on repeat mode. It's when Bobby leaves to let the boy deal with
his mourning that he is stopped by the next sentence.
« I'm not your cum dumpster anymore. »
If they can't see his face, they can hear the disgust in his voice. They turn
to each other, wondering if they haven't hallucinated for hearing this word,
but what is following seem to comfirm.
« I'm not your slut ! I'm not yours ! You won't touch me anymore. Never. Ever.
Again. »
They're stunned. What the fuck ! They thought. It makes no sense to hear Dean
screams that.
Bobby step in his direction.
« Dean ? » He grabs his shoulder and, for an instant, Dean stop shouting and
beating the car. « Son are you okay ? »
« Yes. » He laughs. « Why ? » his breath is loud.
« What you're saying.. » He hopes it will suffice.
« Yeah and ? »
Bobby frown, the boy doesn't seem to see what's wrong. At the time he stays
stunned, Dean is back to his shouting, destroying the roof of the car. The
older man takes a step back.
« I'm not your toy anymore Dad ! You're dead ! Find you another bitch to fuck
in hell, I'm done ! You will never touch me again ! »
Sam is watching in disbelief, trying to understand the meaning of all that.
« You have no power over me now ! I'm not a trash for your anger and sadness,
I'm not your pretty soldier doll you can use when you want. »
Bobby can't stand anymore, they have to make a sense of all that. Why is Dean
screaming such words ? About his father, father that he had loved and protected
and followed in any hunts, that he had obeyed to for many years. That doesn't
make sense, especially the words he chooses. He tries to catch him by the
chest, to restrain him and calm him, but before he clutch steadily Dean in his
arm, this one shout even louder.
« I'm not a set of holes made for you ! Gave to you to destroy. »
« Dean ! » Bobby shout.
He calms a little, but try to escape.
« Leave me Bobby ! » He catches his breathing.
Sam runs to them, faces Dean, grabs him by the shoulders. This situation is
insane and make him umconfortable. What the fuck is going on ? He asks himself.
« Dean calm down, what you say doesn't make any sense. » His brother laughs.
« You're okay Sammy, you will always be now, he never put his hands on you,
never will ! » He says with relief.
« Dean.. »
« Release me ! » He shouts, less nice this time, still full of rage, but not
for them.
« Dean, dad would have never touched me, he never touched you, what you say
makes no sense. »
« Yeah ! I kept him out of you, be what he wanted so he don't go to you, so he
don't use you. »
« Boy.. »
« I've protected you from him Sammy, always, back when we were kids until now,
he never putted a finger on you. »
He struggles harder and succeed to free himself from Bobby, groans and takes
back is previous activity, shouting and beating. He doesn't give a fuck about
who is around him, he's too obsessed by letting out his rage. Sam and Bobby
turn to each other again, trying to make sense of all that, of what Dean says
and implies. If what he says is true, then Bobby wants to throw up.
« Empty your balls somewhere else I'm not your personal cocksucker. You can't
beat me, you can't touch me, you can't fuck me, you can't destroy me. I'm done
bleeding because of, you son of a bitch. You.Are.Dead ! »
He becomes erratic and even more violent.
« You have no power, no power ! You can't break me anymore ! You're the weak
one now ! You're dead ! I survived you ! I'm strong ! You're nothing ! » He
screams and it's scary to hear him.
Bobby grabs Sam's hand to bring him inside. They couldn't do a thing and it was
too painful to watch and hears, no need to stay here.
« I'm more than an object, I'm not a faggot or your perfect obedient soldier.
I'm not a replacement for mom ! » Sam closed his eyes in pain. « I'm not your
bitch ! I'm not your whore ! Your fuckhole ! Your sweet tight pussy you can
grab and fuck and share and sell to all the fucking sick dickhead just for your
own amusement ! I'm not your pussy pretty boy ! »
Bobby and Sam got inside, still hearing Dean shout with as much rage his voice
allow him to express. Bobby pulls out two glasses and a bottle of bad whisky.
Beer is not strong enough, he pours them a large amount of it and drink it
right away.
« Bobby, what is going on ? »
« Don't you see ? That's not that complicated ! »
« It's non-sense. »
« Really ? It makes less sense that we never had seen a thing before. »
« Did dad really.. abused him ? » He speaks with a low tone, still not
believing what Bobby started to accept as real. Even saying the words is hard,
he doesn't want it to be real.
« It seems, Dean would never fake something like that on someone of the family
if it wasn't true. You saw him, he is not faking, he has no reason to fake
anything. » He pauses « If it's not real then.. it's real Sam, John did.. he
abused him. » He pours himself another glasse and drink it, Sam took his too.
« He has hidden that all this years. I hate saying that, but he has been good
at it. I never suspected a thing. » He sits.
« Why does Dean react just now ? If it really.. started when we were.. kids,
why he didn't leaved when he could, when he was older ? »
Bobby snort. He knows, it's not that hard to imagine, it's not that hard to
understand. Sam is not an idiot, he just denies the reality of all this. They
hear Dean scream as loud and long as he can until he is out of air, then, do it
again few second after and it continues again and again. It's so painful to
hear.
« Don't you see ? John has broken him, abused him, manipulated him, make him
feel and believe what he said to him. He had kept him on leash by destroying
him emotionally. Maybe using you to keep him beside him, to keep using him.
Dean would have done everything to protect you and that's what he did, he said
it. It's probably what gave him enough strength to endure what John had done to
him, knowing he was protecting you. »
« It's my fault then. »
« Oh please, spare me this bullshit, it's absolutely not your fault, nor
Dean's. It's John who did that. If he started doing this.. shit.. when you were
kids, he might have broken your brother's mind, making him believe it was
normal, or that he didn't have a choice. »
He rubbed his face with his hand, wiping a tear. The boys were like sons to him
and he didn't see, he didn't protect them, he didn't protect Dean.
« Why now ? » Asked Sam, but he knew why. « He is free now. » He said after a
moment, Bobby nobbed.
The little brother couldn't stop thinking about everything in the past, of
course there were potential signs, but he never saw them, never understood them
in that way, how could he ? Dean stayed hunting with their dad whiles he was
gone. Hunting made Dean feel useful by protecting people. Protecting was and is
in his blood, he has always done that, first with him, his little brother and
then with every person he could. He knew is brother well, protect and help was
is life motto. And doing it by hunting probably gave him force to endure John's
behavior toward him. Making him feel useful.. for something else than just be..
a 'cum dumpster' for his father.
Family was the only thing to him, Sam knew that, but his mother died, his
father abused him in many ways and just know he was learning that he abused him
in far worse ways too, stealing his childhood and innocence for his vengeance,
and his little brother flees far away as soon as he could, abandon him. Even if
family was destroying him, it was all he had, the only thing he thought he had.
When their father was gone, he felt lost, he needed his family, so he reached
for the closest one he had, even if it was dangerous to put Sam and John close,
at least they were a family and Dean could continue to protect him by letting
their Dad use him as he wanted. All that just to protect their sick, twisted
family.
« He must have felt so alone. »
« Yeah. »
« I've done everything to prove my worth to you ! It was never enough ! » They
heard Dean scream. « I was never enough, never good enough, never strong
enough. I've never earned your respect no matter what I've done ! You're a son
of a bitch, I hate you ! I hate you ! I hate you ! »
He stops to take his breath, but it doesn't last long and he's back to
destroying the car.
« You were never proud of me ! Only when I shut up and be the good boy you
wanted me to be ! You're not here to tell me to stay silent anymore ! » He
persists to beat in short, fast movement on only one place of the car, as he
grunts to punctuate. « I've never liked it ! I'm not your slut ! I hated it ! I
hated it each time ! You're a liar ! I've never liked it ! I hate you ! I hate
it ! »
Bobby gets up to kick in a chair, breaking it. He leaves the room and Sam stay,
trying to think, to acknowledge this new fact as true.
The time come when they realize it's now silent, Dean doesn't scream anymore
and there's no beating sound either. The sky starts to get dark, it's not
surprising that Dean stopped, he must be exhausted.
They step outside, Dean is curled in a corner made by two cars, hands in his
hair and even if they can't see it because they're still too far away, he is
crying. They come closer and crouches beside him.
« Dean.. » Tries Sam.
His brother is crying hard, big tears sliding down, red cheeks, nose running,
expression deformed by sadness, frustration, shame, pain and despair. He's lost
and broken.
Sam tries to touch him, just a hand on his shoulder, but his brother jerks away
still crying loudly, a hand clenched hard in his hair. He looks away in shame
and close his eyes hard, his chin is shaking as he bites his lower lip. It's
painful to watch. His brother seems so weak and fragile.
« It's not your fault boy. »
Dean whine and takes few fast breaths, he hides his face in his knees. He just
wants to disappear, to die, he wishes he never existed in the first place. All
this time, all this time he has been a toy for his father, he never succeeded
to say no, to actually impose a no. He hated it, so much, but he wasn't strong
enough to stop it, to stop anything. He was just a kid, just a small child that
had nothing but his family. But even when he was a grown man he just let his
father do what he wanted with him. He never succeeded to stop him, John has
been too strong, had too much power over him, he only needed few words on the
right tone to make Dean afraid and paralyzed, defenceless.
« We should get you inside. » Sam tries to catch his shoulder again but again
Dean flee his touch.
« No ! » He whines in a small broken voice.
« Okay, okay, that's okay. » He sits beside his big brother.
Bobby watches carefully, trying to catch each expression he makes to understand
him better, how he feels, so maybe, maybe he will find the right words to
reassure him, even just a little. After a moment Sam talks again.
« When did it started ? » He asks and Bobby stares at him with a mean look, it
takes few long seconds before Dean answer.
« What ? » Sam sighs.
« When did he started to do that to you ? »
« Do you really think it's important ? » Groans Bobby.
« I want to know. »
« I don't know. » His tone is a little stable, but his shaking chin doesn't
help, so it's still low and almost incomprehensible. « Can you leave me
alone ? »
« No way, we don't leave you alone Dean. » Bobby's tone is sure and confident,
there's no place for protest, but it makes the boy cries louder. Of course he
doesn't want to be seen like that by the people he cares about.
It's too risky. Dean knows that. They could leave, or mock him or use him, he
doesn't want any of that. He couldn't handle it. He just wants it to be over,
he just wants to be strong, and face them with confidence, he didn't choose to
break here and now, it was a pulsion he couldn't fight it and now he is scared
that the closest person to him will reject him.
They wait, keeping a silent company as Dean is literally falling into pieces.
His father had broken him, but he held everything until today.
« When did it happen for the first time Dean ? » Sam ask again as the night
start falling.
Dean is still crying, as loudly as before and his face is really puffy, wet and
red. The outside light goes on and Bobby made it back.
« I don't know, you were four years old. » He says.
Sam and Bobby watch each other, so it started when he was eight and if John
didn't stop until he was dead, he had abused Dean for almost twenty years. The
boy only knew that all his life, a life of rape and abuse, a life as a toy, as
a slave.
« I'm so weak ! » He cries. « I deserved it, everything. »
Both men take a sharp breath. It's even more terrible to hear Dean says that.
« No Dean, you deserved nothing. »
« Yes, I was a bad son, not good enough, I deserved to be punish. »
Sam tries again to reach for him and this time Dean let himself be touched.
Gently he takes him in a hug. Dean grabs his shirt hard and press himself
closer. The younger hunter is incapable to talk more.
« It was not your fault. »
« Yes it was, I'm bad, I'm wrong, I'm stupid and weak. »
« No you're not. » says Bobby.
« Yes I am, Sam is intelligent and strong and I'm just meat. »
« No boy, John was wrong, what he did to you was wrong and sick. You have
nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. »
Dean continues to cry and break, he's shaking. Sam caresses him gently on his
head and back. After what seem an hour they force him to get up to get him
inside. His legs are weak and barely hold him. He kept his head bent.
« I will prepare a bath of him, can you make some food, he must be hungry. »
Ask Bobby, Sam seems weak too, shaken to see his brother in a state like that.
« Sure. »
Bobby help Dean to climb the stairs, put him on the toilet whiles he opens the
tap to let the water fill the bathtub. The boy doesn't really react and the
older man have to help him to get his clothes off until he's naked, because
really, Dean can't do a thing.
They both might feel embarrassed, but honestly Dean barely notices he's naked
and Bobby at this instant don't give a fuck, his adopted son need help, they
are both men anyway so who care ?
« Come on boy, a bath will relax you. »
Even helping Dean enter in the water is an effort.
« Clean, relax, take your time, I will check on you later. » The weak, tired
stare the younger man give him is hard to watch. Then he breaks again in a loud
cry.
« No ! No, no, no ! Please no ! » He whimpers.
Bobby crouches beside him so they are at the same height.
« What's wrong ? »
« I don't want to. Don't want to.. please. » He begs.
Bobby keeps a calm and gentle voice. The kind of voice a mother would use to
ease the pain of her child.
« What you don't want ? » He ask.
« Get myself ready. » Dean tries to hide himself by curling, arms around him as
a protection.
Bobby closes his eyes. Of course.
« Dean, you don't get ready for anybody, it's just to make you feel better and
clean, nothing is going to happen after you go out of the bathroom. »
« Yeah ? »
« Of course ! »
« You promiss ? »
« Yes, on my soul. We will never hurt you Dean, you know that. » He stops for a
moment. « You're safe here, John is dead, he can't hurt you anymore. »
The hunter nob and Bobby give him a pat on his head before he leaves the room.
When he joins Sam downstairs, the boy is crying in front of the sink. As he
sees Bobby coming, he face him and took a big sip of his whiskey.
« I think I should buy him a pie. He loves pie. » The older hunter nob as Sam
left quickly.
So he stays alone, clenched jaw, deep anger in his heart. Sam takes his time
before coming back. The little brother stopped the Impala on the side of the
road, near a forest and he let himself cry until it goes dry. He can't believe
it, Dean has been abused all this time and he never said a thing, he never
showed a thing and him, the idiot as he was, he never saw a thing. His big bro
had protected him all his life and he hasn't been able to do the same. It's
with red eyes that he go search a pie.
After a good moment Bobby go check on Dean. He hadn't reached the door that he
hears him groans. He enters just to see Dean scrub his skin with a loofah mitt.
It's a deep red, actually it's bleeding. He scrubbed his skin until it bleeds.
In a few steps he reaches him and tries to get the mitt away from him, but Dean
resists, he's still crying and he desperately wants to keep the object in his
hands.
« Dean ! Give me that ! You're hurting yourself. »
« No ! I'm dirty, let me, let me, I'm dirty ! »
« You are not, stop, give me that ! » Finally, he succeed to grab the mitt, not
without finishing with his shirt all wet, and throw it away. Then he grabs Dean
wrist and tries to steady him. « Calm down, everything is ok, you're safe here
and you are not dirty. »
« Yes I am, I'm disgusting. »
« Dean.. »
« I want to rip my skin away, let me, let me Bobby. » The hunter hugs him and
press the younger boy's head on his shoulder.
« Shhu, it's okay, it's okay, calm down. » And Dean cries in his arms even if
it's starting to hurt him to cry that much. It's not long before he digs his
nails in his skin to continue to rip off his skin. Bobby had to restrain him
even more. He wants to scream him to stop because it's painful and hard to deal
with, but it's the last thing Dean needs, so Bobby goes for his second call and
whisper gentle words to him. It's a good thing that the younger man's face is
pressed against him, he can't talk and it mean he can't denigrates himself.
After a time Bobby releases him and takes the initiative to wash him as if he
was a very young child. Dean tries to hide his face in his hand, to flee, he's
ashame, so ashame and he feel dirty. What his dad has done to him make him feel
sick, make him feel disgusted by his own body. He want to scrub him away, make
him leave, make disappear each place where he touched him, where he took
possession of him, where he used him. It's unbearable. He wants to destroy his
body. Bobby's touch doesn't feel the same, though, so he let himself in his
hands and he let him dry him. Bobby even helps him to put clean and comfortable
clothes on.
They haven't done two meters in the corridor to go downstairs when Dean
crouched and whined even more.
« I'm dirty, I feel him, it's disgusting, I feel his hands, his lips. »
Sam came back at this moment and Bobby crouches beside Dean.
« Let's go grab a beer and eat pie, okay ? » Then he called Sam.
The younger hunter joins them and crouches beside them, then he notices the
wound on his brother's arms.
« What happened ? » He asks, almost panicked as he grabs Dean arm to watch
closer. His brother is weak and numb.
« He hurted himself, wanting to rip his skin away. » It makes Sam feels bad.
« I stopped him, he got superficial wounds on all his body, but nothing too
serious, I banded the worst one though. »
Sam nobs, he knows it was not the time to get angry.
« I've got pie, let's eat it. » Dean nobs, but made no effort to get up. It was
worthless and after a time Sam gave up. « If you don't want to get to the pie,
then the pie will come to you. »
That's how they finish in the corridor at eating pie. Dean devours it as he
used to do and for once in this fucking horrible day it's a good thing to
watch.
Dean is exhausted so they took him to bed. They pass two hours in a peevish
ambiance trying to change definitely how they remembered John Winchester before
they heard cries and screams from upstairs. Both men close their eyes in pain.
Sam hears his name so he got up as Bobby nobs, no need for words here.
Sam joins his big brother in the chamber, he turns on the light.
« No light ! » Dean snaps between two snob.
The room goes dark with only the moon for some light.
« What do you need Dean ? »
« Stay with me. » He whimpers. « Please. »
Sam lay down beside him.
« Sammy. » He moans before wiping his running nose.
The younger brother passes a hand in his brother short hair. Being as tender
and loving as he could despite all the feeling he experienced right now.
« Hold me. »
It wasn't going to be a two minutes hug so he should make himself comfortable,
he removes his pant and sock then his jacket before stepping under the blanket.
He reaches for Dean and hugs him tight. The older one melts in the touch and
press his face in his brother's chest.
It took a long time before they talk again, well, before Dean talk.
« I let him. I let him Sam. I'm bad, I'm a bad person. »
« You're not. »
« I've said no, I've fought but he never stopped. » He cries. « Then I just
stopped to fight, it was pointless. But I never liked it. »
Sam strokes gently and fondly his brother back.
« You don't have to talk about it Dean. » His brother nob. « Butif you think it
may make you feel better, you can, I will listen to you. »
A good amount of time pass before the older talk again.
« I was scared, all the time, each time. He made me his perfect obedient doll.
He just had to say few words and I obeyed like the perfect slut he made of
me. »
« You're not a slut Dean. »
« Yeah, you're right, I'm worse. »
« No.. » Sam doesn't have the time to continue.
« My mind gone blank and I just couldn't fight anymore, I just dropped my pants
and let him fuck me the ways he wanted. I'm weak and idiot. But I couldn't
Sammy, I couldn't fight, I was paralyzed, he just.. he just had too much power
over me. God I'm a weak useless piece of meat. »
« Dean.. »
He hugs him even tighter and kiss his forehead. He remembers some of his
classes and tries to find some reassuring parole, something that could prove to
his brother that it's not his fault. He's not sure it's the right thing to say
at this moment, but he can't think of something else, he needs something to
hold onto so he can stay strong and academic facts are always good for that.
« It's a normal reaction to repetitive aggression and trauma. It's just a
coping mechanism the brain puts in place to protect you, to avoid too much
damage. It's not your fault, you're not weak Dean, you're not weak. » He kisses
him again. « It's a normal behavior and there's nothing wrong to act like you
acted. »
« But I gave my consent after. When he said that if I didn't comply he would go
find you, so I said yes, I kept him on me so he wouldn't go after you, I've
made it easier for him, I've engaged the things sometime when I knew he was
dangerous and on edge, so he wouldn't break on anybody else. I've been the
perfect dirty whore he wanted. I'm so bad, you must hate me, you must find me
disgusting, I'm disgusting, I hate myself, I should die. » He talks fast.
« Dean it was not consent, you never consented to it. »
« Yes I did. » He whines.
« It was under threat, you agree to have sex with him under threat, it's not
consent, it's still rape, he still abused you. »
« No it wasn't. »
« Yes Dean it was. » He says in a firm voice. « Don't blame yourself for what
he did to you and what he forced you to do and forced to agree to. It's rape,
it's always rape if you are afraid to get hurt if you don't comply, or if
you're scared, or find it disgusting. It's still rape if you said no or stop or
pushed him away, or if you wanted to but couldn't physically. It's still rape
if you're under any threat. It's rape because he took advantage of you when you
was young, you couldn't consent, never ! It's rape Dean, and it's not your
fault, in any case. » He continued to caress him and kiss him, his voice was
calm and loving but determined, Dean had to understand. « I don't hate you, I
don't find you disgusting, I will never find you disgusting. »
« But I am. »
« You're not, believe me, you're not. »
Dean took a moment before he talked again.
« I can feel him, his hands, his lips, his cock, I remember the taste and the
smell, it's horrible, I want him to get away. Make him go away Sammy. » It's
desperate.
« I don't know how to do it, but we will find a way, I promise. »
« I liked it sometime, I was hard, I came because of him, more than I ever
wanted to, I hated it. I'm a slut Sam, dirty and sick. »
« Again, it's not unusual for victims of rape to have an orgasm or actually
take pleasure from it. It's physical Dean, just a physical reaction, you can't
control your body. It doesn't change the fact that it's a rape, it doesn't make
it less wrong. It's not your fault and you're not dirty or sick because of
it. »
Dean hugged his brother tight, snuggling as close as he could.
« Sometime he just stopped in the middle of nowhere on a road and fucked me on
the car, no lube, no prep and it hurted like a bitch. I was his object, a human
sextoy. Sometime it was just after a hunt, after we cleaned an area, he just
pinned me down and fucked me no matter if dead bodies were around us. » Sam
cried in silence. « He was angry too, and beated and fucked me rough, sometime
until it bleeds, and I got bruises for weeks. He just beated me until I was
curled on the floor and didn't made any more sound. He made me collapse few
times because he strangled me or was fucking my mouth without letting me
breath, he even made me throw up from it. » Again it's fast, as if he wants to
throw everything out of him by saying it.
He took a deep breath and sobbed loudly.
« And to make easy money he sold me to pervert, mostly when we were kids. To
pedophiles that were happy to have a boy to fuck, and he watched and touched
himself while they fucked me, asking me to be a good boy because if I wasn't we
couldn't buy food and I didn't wanted you to be hungry, it wasn't true, I know,
it was just extra to buy his alcohol, but I couldn't take the risk. »
« Oh god Dean ! God I'm so sorry, it's horrible, I didn't see it, I'm sorry. »
« It's okay Sammy you were safe that the only thing that count. »
« But you, you wasn't safe and it counts as much as my safety. God Dean, Dean,
I'm sorry. »
Sam started to cry louder, big tears on his cheeks, it was so horrible, so hard
to hear and he knew it was just a small part of the whole thing. Dean turned
himself, feeling so disgusted by himself, so dirty, so bad, he wasn't worth Sam
attention. But his little brother held him, kept him in a tight embrace, Dean
back was now against Sam chest. He kissed him gently on the back of the neck
and stroked his nose on his hair.
« It was not your fault, it never was, never, do you hear me ? Never ! What he
did, what they did to you was wrong and sick and bad and you are a victim of
it, don't make yourself your own tormentor, you suffered enough. »
« But you know what, I'm Bi, I like men too, what if he made me become like
that ? »
« It could, but it also couldn't, maybe you were Bi before all that. But Dean,
even if you started to like men because you have been raped it doesn't make
your orientation less valid. »
« You won't leave me do you ? »
« Of course I'm not leaving you ! Nor Bobby, we are your family and we will
never hurt you the way dad did, and we are not going to think less of you
because of what happened. You're a strong man, not everybody would have been
able to handle so much abuse, you're more strong than you think. And again,
it's not because you didn't succeed to fight that it make you weak, or bad, or
wrong, or dirty. It's human and normal. Do you understand ? »
« Yes, but.. » He couldn't finish his sentence.
« I know, I know you don't believe it right now, but I'm going to repeat it to
you each day until you believe it. »
« Sammy.. »
« I love you Dean ! I love you and I will never leave you. »
They stopped talking and slowly fell into sleep, Dean was exhausted so he fell
asleep at first, Sam continued to caress and kiss him tenderly until he joined
his brother.
They knew it would take time for Dean to deal with all his trauma, it would
never heal completely, you didn't heal from something like that, but they will
help him, love him and make him feel safe.
End.
End Notes
     If you think I should add some tags tell me I will add them
     immediately.
     I will add some Bonus later that are not going to follow this story,
     but be random moment in the past.
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